Tom Burris

Karen's husband Thomas James Burris has kept a low profile since Karen's death. He and Karen were still married when she died. It doesn't appear that they had a prenup. In the Little Girl Blue biography on Karen, it was indicated that  Karen's settlement with Tom would have netted him a million dollars. When Karen died still married to him, it's likely that he would have been entitled to more. California community property laws would have entitled him to half of whatever Karen earned while they were married. While the only new album generated during the marriage was Made in America, which did not do well in sales, and the Carpenters did not tour, there were likely royalties from the other albums and income generated from investments which could have resulted in more than a million dollars for him.

It irks me to no end that Tom profited from Karen. It's not clear whether Tom was already in financial trouble when he married Karen and had ulterior motives in marrying her. But the speed of the engagement and wedding is cause for suspicion. In addition, there is the fact that he was not yet divorced when he proposed to Karen. It makes one think, he was trying to get out of one situation to rush to the alter to marry a woman of obvious means.

Karen and Tom's Wedding

It's quite possible that he had some wealth and therefore made it into the circles of people like Mike and Carol Curb. Mike and Carol were responsible for the fateful introduction of Tom to Karen. The Curbs should have vetted out Tom more carefully before making the introduction. They assumed he was wealthy. I wonder if they have remorse over that. I believe Karen's failed marriage to Thomas Burris was the last straw. She rapidly deteriorated after her failed marriage both mentally and physically. A marriage to someone who took advantage of her position was simply something her fragile self couldn't handle at that time.

It's not clear whether Tom knew about Karen's anorexia prior to their marriage. He must have detected odd behavior in dining with her or seeing how thin she was. Obviously he was aware of it after their marriage through her declining physical condition. I found it interesting that Tom was the only one in Karen's life who realized the length of her illness. Richard always stated the anorexia started in 1975 which would have made the length of her illness per him 8 years. Tom however more accurately stated to People magazine that Karen was ill for 9 years. It leads me to think that Karen discussed her eating disorder with Tom at some point.

Karen seemed very determined to marry someone of equal financial status. There were a number of less well off men interested in her who I believe genuinely loved her. Her wealth was inconsequential to them. Men like David Alley or Gary Sims. In retrospect, if she had less stringent expectations, she potentially could have been happy with one of these men and lived happily.

Dear Anorexia Sufferers ...

I originally wrote this post as a reflection on what Karen needed to think in order to overcome anorexia. After reading it, I realized that it was really my plea to anorexia sufferers and actually anyone with any kind of addiction who is trying to escape life. I wish I could see in my youth what I learned to realize. Life is so much better without an addiction. To escape the addiction, simply requires a mindshift. I know this may seem oversimplified. But when one does finally find true happiness, you'll see that the most critical change was in thought. So I dedicate this post to those with an addiction, who may be feeling trapped. There is a way out ....

With all my thinking and pondering on Karen's life over the years, I sometimes forget what drew me in to Karen in the first place. Karen died young and of a curable disease that she was responsible for. She had it all ... fame, fortune, respect, success... what did she not have? Some say the love of her mother. But that's not it. What she didn't have was belief in herself. Her mother may have exacerbated an underlying problem. But truly at the root of it was Karen. She didn't believe in herself. She didn't have confidence. How is that possible.. with that voice? How could she not be strutting her stuff... she had a one in a million voice. It seems unfathomable that someone like her wouldn't be literally on top of the world!

Anorexia is a virus. It gets into a person's head and tells them a story that is anything but reality. It seems real to the sufferer. There is someone else who is smarter, prettier, skinnier, etc. If one is a perfectionist, then not being #1 at everything, can make one feel like a failure. This is one component to getting an eating disorder: the need to excel.

The more critical component is not feeling like one is in the driver's seat of their own life in order  to at least appreciate life and have fun. The tricky part is that for many sufferers, there isn't this realization of not being in the driver's seat. It seems that whatever the situation is, is how it has to be. That reality is accepted as immutable.  It's here that the first component of perfectionism makes this attitude a greater reality .. that is why try? I'm not good enough anyway. There's no point to try. I'll be skinny instead. Even that can get competitive since there's probably someone skinnier. So the obsession just spirals.

The idea to jump up, define oneself and one's desires and grab the reins to make life happen, just isn't there. The anorexic doesn't realize this. She needs an out of the situation and consciously and even unconsciously the out becomes anorexia.

At the root of being healthy, is being happy. What does it mean to be happy?

1) Gratitude for one's life (there may be a spiritual/religious component to this... but not necessary).

2) Having fun - doing things that are enjoyable. Could be simple things like a walk in the park, having coffee with a good friend, doing a crossword.. just no stress activities that are pleasurable but also fulfilling. Killing an entire evening watching TV is not fulfilling.The activities should be engaging.

3) Fulfilling relationships - Close friends who are supportive and whose company we enjoy.

4) Giving back - finding causes and ways to give to others. This isn't only about charity work but even caring for family and children. It feels good to give to others.

5) MOST IMPORTANT - Being in control of your own life - If you feel you can have choices and make decisions on how to steer your life, this is very empowering. YOU define your life and YOU make it happen.  A big part of this is loving and treasuring yourself. F*** off to anyone who makes you feel less. You have unique talents. DO NOT let anyone make you feel less. If you don't know what you're good at or don't think you have anything, you are WRONG. I don't care who you are, everyone has something. That's why no two people are exactly alike. Keep in mind that you have to consider if you are in a position to realize your talents. If you are a great computer programmer and that's your passion but you're trying to be a doctor, you're not allowing your talents to flourish and you're perpetuating factors that bring you down. So realize your talents but also put yourself in a place to excel.

It took me a really long time to see this. Once I did, I couldn't believe how easy it was. I mean easy in that curing anorexia in some ways is just a realization. A realization that it's better to take charge than to latch on to an addictive way of thinking. Then one sees "oh my god.. this is so much easier than being a slave to a scale and a diet and all the obsessive thinking that goes with it. I can define my life...I can chart my own course.  I can put myself in empowering situations. Wow .. this is fun. I like taking charge. I like owning my life and not giving up."

Part of this renewed attitude is accepting imperfection and realizing that we're great at some things and lousy at others. But the key is realizing that we all bring something unique to the table and to cherish and appreciate that.

When the anorexic or anyone with an eating disorder sees that life is fun when one decides to take charge and believe in herself and her unique qualities ... wow.. it's better than any addiction or drug any day!