I originally wrote this post as a reflection on what Karen needed to think in order to overcome anorexia. After reading it, I realized that it was really my plea to anorexia sufferers and actually anyone with any kind of addiction who is trying to escape life. I wish I could see in my youth what I learned to realize. Life is so much better without an addiction. To escape the addiction, simply requires a mindshift. I know this may seem oversimplified. But when one does finally find true happiness, you'll see that the most critical change was in thought. So I dedicate this post to those with an addiction, who may be feeling trapped. There is a way out ....
With all my thinking and pondering on Karen's life over the years, I sometimes forget what drew me in to Karen in the first place. Karen died young and of a curable disease that she was responsible for. She had it all ... fame, fortune, respect, success... what did she not have? Some say the love of her mother. But that's not it. What she didn't have was belief in herself. Her mother may have exacerbated an underlying problem. But truly at the root of it was Karen. She didn't believe in herself. She didn't have confidence. How is that possible.. with that voice? How could she not be strutting her stuff... she had a one in a million voice. It seems unfathomable that someone like her wouldn't be literally on top of the world!
Anorexia is a virus. It gets into a person's head and tells them a story that is anything but reality. It seems real to the sufferer. There is someone else who is smarter, prettier, skinnier, etc. If one is a perfectionist, then not being #1 at everything, can make one feel like a failure. This is one component to getting an eating disorder: the need to excel.
The more critical component is not feeling like one is in the driver's seat of their own life in order to at least appreciate life and have fun. The tricky part is that for many sufferers, there isn't this realization of not being in the driver's seat. It seems that whatever the situation is, is how it has to be. That reality is accepted as immutable. It's here that the first component of perfectionism makes this attitude a greater reality .. that is why try? I'm not good enough anyway. There's no point to try. I'll be skinny instead. Even that can get competitive since there's probably someone skinnier. So the obsession just spirals.
The idea to jump up, define oneself and one's desires and grab the reins to make life happen, just isn't there. The anorexic doesn't realize this. She needs an out of the situation and consciously and even unconsciously the out becomes anorexia.
At the root of being healthy, is being happy. What does it mean to be happy?
1) Gratitude for one's life (there may be a spiritual/religious component to this... but not necessary).
2) Having fun - doing things that are enjoyable. Could be simple things like a walk in the park, having coffee with a good friend, doing a crossword.. just no stress activities that are pleasurable but also fulfilling. Killing an entire evening watching TV is not fulfilling.The activities should be engaging.
3) Fulfilling relationships - Close friends who are supportive and whose company we enjoy.
4) Giving back - finding causes and ways to give to others. This isn't only about charity work but even caring for family and children. It feels good to give to others.
5) MOST IMPORTANT - Being in control of your own life - If you feel you can have choices and make decisions on how to steer your life, this is very empowering. YOU define your life and YOU make it happen. A big part of this is loving and treasuring yourself. F*** off to anyone who makes you feel less. You have unique talents. DO NOT let anyone make you feel less. If you don't know what you're good at or don't think you have anything, you are WRONG. I don't care who you are, everyone has something. That's why no two people are exactly alike. Keep in mind that you have to consider if you are in a position to realize your talents. If you are a great computer programmer and that's your passion but you're trying to be a doctor, you're not allowing your talents to flourish and you're perpetuating factors that bring you down. So realize your talents but also put yourself in a place to excel.
It took me a really long time to see this. Once I did, I couldn't believe how easy it was. I mean easy in that curing anorexia in some ways is just a realization. A realization that it's better to take charge than to latch on to an addictive way of thinking. Then one sees "oh my god.. this is so much easier than being a slave to a scale and a diet and all the obsessive thinking that goes with it. I can define my life...I can chart my own course. I can put myself in empowering situations. Wow .. this is fun. I like taking charge. I like owning my life and not giving up."
Part of this renewed attitude is accepting imperfection and realizing that we're great at some things and lousy at others. But the key is realizing that we all bring something unique to the table and to cherish and appreciate that.
When the anorexic or anyone with an eating disorder sees that life is fun when one decides to take charge and believe in herself and her unique qualities ... wow.. it's better than any addiction or drug any day!
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