In Defense of Agnes

Much has been said about Karen's mom, Agnes. She is widely depicted as a mom undemonstrative with regards to affection. The two most prominent examples are when Agnes couldn't say she loved Karen in the family therapy session with Steven Levenkron and second, when Agnes made Karen go through with the wedding to Tom Burris after learning of his deceit.

I agree these are two serious issues. The second issue emerged in Randy Schmidt's biography on Karen  (Little Girl Blue: The Life of Karen Carpenter). I can imagine Agnes saying this to Karen. But keep in mind, unless Karen had the phone on speakerphone or taped the conversation, it's unlikely that the quote of  Agnes (effectively saying that Karen made her bed and had to lay in it), is a word for word quote. I'm just saying to keep in mind that words can get miscommunicated- Agnes to Karen to Frenda to Randy. Some context could have been lost.

The first issue I am more likely to believe as Richard approved the scene in the Karen Carpenter Story movie that depicted the events. Richard thought it was fine. It was probably the single most damning part of the movie with regards to his mother and he left in the scene.

I do not have any doubts that Agnes loved her daughter. However, she was terrible in expressing herself. Agnes also could come across as domineering. In any interview with Karen's dad, Harold, Agnes seems to quickly to take control back of the conversation, not having the patience for his drawl.

Agnes Carpenter After Karen's Death on Good Morning America

But I do believe that Agnes loved Karen very much. When you think about it, Agnes was supportive of Karen. She got her the drums afterall! Sure Richard, may have encouraged it, but I get the sense that Karen had a good childhood and if she wanted to do something, her mother supported her.

We don't really know the details of Agnes' life. Remember she helped raise her niece and possibly delayed having Richard and Karen to later in life because of that responsibility. Taking in another child is a big deal and very generous.

At the end of the day, Agnes did a lot to help her family. She went to work to help earn money. She helped find the friend of the friend who got the demo tape to A&M. You could argue that she did that out of her own ambition. But I truly believe that she believed in the talent of both her kids.

I loved Randy's book. However, it seemed that all the attention in articles and the media around the book went straight to the couple of new tidbits that were revealed about Agnes. The media loved that. Those were only a couple of pages out of the entire book. Everyone seems to ignore the parts outside Tom Burris and Agnes.  This was my only qualm with the bio. Most of the story we had heard before except for these revelations. Both explain a lot of the demise of Karen near the end with regards to Tom Burris. However, there was the unfortunate side effect of over bashing on Agnes.  Who knows what she really said to Karen about getting married.

Agnes was a tough woman, no doubt. Many people have to deal with parents who are undemonstrative and authoritative  In fact, many deal with far, far worse. This is not why someone tortures themselves the way Karen did. Karen had her own issues that I will explore in other posts.