My Story

I'm an educated woman, with a good life and friends. I'm probably not the kind of person anyone would suspect as having a fascination with Karen Carpenter. Fascination is probably not the right word. But I do seem to be a little obsessed with Karen. I know I'm not the only one. I was alive in her heyday but not old enough to be aware of the Carpenters. I do have a vague early recollection of liking Top of the World in the 1970's, hearing it on the radio. When Karen died in 1983, I didn't know who she was, but I do remember the news story coming on TV in our family room and my parents expressing sadness.

I think I have a memory of hearing Superstar at the dentist's office in the mid-1980's. I say "I think" because I didn't know Karen's music. I just remember hearing this voice, this unique, deep soulful voice. Years later, when I knew of who Karen was, I had this thought, that I bet that soulful, one-of-a-kind voice I heard at the dentist was that of my newly discovered favorite singer, Karen Carpenter.

Through the mid to late 80's, I didn't think much if any about Karen. There was only the light recollection of that day in 1983 of a singer who died of starvation. Sometime in my senior year in high school in 1988, I remember looking up Karen in the school library. I'm not exactly sure how at that time I knew her name. I think I may have seen the People magazine cover from 1983. That dreadful picture of an emaciated Karen and had a morbid curiosity  Why would someone deliberately starve themselves? That thought wasn't a constant one by any means. It was merely a passing curiosity.

The moment when I really learned of Karen was when the 1989 Karen Carpenter Story, Movie of the Week aired. (Remember those old MoW days :) ?) I remembered that old curiosity and definitely wanted to know more about her life. Up until that point, there was nothing to feed the curiosity - no books, no internet, just a couple of People magazine articles available on microfilm at the library.

The thing that struck me more than anything were the songs and THE VOICE. What a beautiful voice! For all the botched story-line  script rewrites (that were later revealed in the Little Girl Blue biography by Randy Schmidt), the bad wigs, the voice was solid, perfect, unique. That was the singer in the dentist office! That was the singer who sang Top of the World, the song from my childhood.

I did what many people did after seeing the movie. I ran out to get a tape of Singles 1969-1974. (By that time, I was in college and didn't have a portable CD player.) Anyone who loves the Carpenters will understand how it felt hearing those songs. I don't need to elaborate on that.

The next purchase for me was the 4 CD set 'From the Top". This was a gem. We got to hear pre-famous songs, commercials, outtakes, all kinds of treasures. I still hadn't heard their studio albums (even though I later discovered the Tan album buried in my parents vinyl collection!) So this new set introduced me to many songs like Let Me Be the One, Where do I go From Here, Iced Tea, All of my Life... and my favorite song of all time Only Yesterday.

Needless to say, the remaining albums followed. I became one those fans who had multiple formats of every album, ran to the record store the day of the release of Karen's solo album, found other fans in the early days of the internet, ordered bootleg copies of Carpenters TV appearances for a small fortune on eBay, and on and on.

Like many other fans, I also battled eating disorders, including anorexia for a very short time for a year in college followed by mostly binge eating. I was also one of many who actually looked up to Karen for her skinniness and wanted to emulate that part of her. Luckily these obsessions are behind me. But I spent many, many, too many years wanting to be skinny and longing for that one brief time where I was able to achieve it but not hang on.

Truthfully, I'm mad at Karen for setting that example. I realize her death has helped with awareness. But if you're prone to an eating disorder, she is somewhat of an icon. This beautiful, ridiculously talented woman, couldn't see her own worth. So many of us deal with that. It's a vicious, horrible way to live, clouded in darkness and obsession. But when you're feeling that life is controlling you, being super thin, just seems like a way out. It's a way to get people to stop controlling you and be in charge. It's something to look forward to and strive for that seems doable. You awake in the morning and rush to the scale to see if any more pounds have dropped. It can be exhilarating. When you're not thin, but aspire to that and see thinness as your salvation (albeit in reality not salvation even if you get there as Karen proved) one can get very jealous of Karen and really anyone who is thin. I became obsessed with Karen.

I no longer want to be like her. I've learned how to get in control of my life which included the whole bit of dealing with authoritative parents. It is so much easier to live not wanting to be an anorexic. I can look back on it now and see it was all about asserting myself and losing the fear of what others think and just doing things my way. Control of one's life is so much more enjoyable than unhealthy obsessions.

But despite recovery from anorexic thoughts, I still find myself fascinated with Karen. Again, fascinated isn't the right word. There's an overwhelming sadness that I and many others feel, that Karen didn't make it. She couldn't see her value. Why? How? How could she not see how supremely awesome she was? Not because she made hit records. Not because she was pretty. But just because she was a really cool person.

I have been thinking about her a lot lately. Sometimes it comes and goes. But with her 30th anniversary passing, it brings up that realization of how much life she has missed. Also she suffered so much from 9 years prior to her death. Karen literally tortured herself to death. The marriage, failed solo album, undemonstrative mother, lost chances on love were heartbreaking enough. Even if she just didn't eat, it wouldn't be as bad. But all the horrible other things from the Dulcolax, Synthroid, Ipecac, it's horrible.  I think if Karen only starved, she would have had a shot at living, It was these insidious other devices that took her life.

There are very few high profile anorexia deaths. I do think Karen absolutely has saved lives. Even anorectics who may use her as a role model probably avoided ipecac for sure. Just as I believe Karen wanted to live, I believe most people suffering from eating disorders want to as well. They just are trying to figure out how to get out of the hell, unfortunately heading down the completely wrong path to find control.

I never knew of her when she was alive. Yet I miss her terribly. I wish she had made it. I wish she could see how much she is loved by the world.  Although had she lived, the outpouring wouldn't have been there. Had she lived, there would be no movie of the week, no curiosity, record sales at a much lower volume. She may have been recognized as a great singer, but the attention her death brought her would have always been greater than the attention to her had she lived.

Death always immortalizes a person. People become larger than life. Unfortunately, it's only once someone dies this way, that all of a sudden people come out and honor them. That's the way life works. I would rather have Karen be alive and to have never heard her as good as the Carpenters music is, that to come to know her after her death. I think listening to the Carpenters makes me more sad than happy because of what happened to Karen. But I can't stop listening.